Hey so I normally don't post much on this group, because fruit makes me feel good. but I kinda need to vent so here goes...
Went on a cruise to the galapagos- something I've always wanted to do but the compromise was eating cooked food on the boat along with some fruit- so fruit and then rice and potatoes so there we go. I have a hard time during the holidays as it is- because losing my dad last year has ripped my family apart and I can't b with them for the holidays anymore, I just can't. So spending it in paradise sounded like a good idea. I mean how can you be sad in the galapagos right? - Well I went alone for one, and while everyone on the ship was with their loved ones I was alone- and the cooked food exacerbated every single emotion I was feeling.
It was terrible, I wasn't myself the entire cruise. I was withdrawn, sad, depressed, exhausted(missed 2 excursions), anxious, unhappy, spacey, quiet, an outsider with my fellow passengers. I can't function without 811. My body was no longer my own but that of a sickly bloated SAD fooder.
Cried myself to sleep on Christmas.
I feel so sad, erratic, bipolar- (our cruise ended early as well that night a crew member tried to force himself on a 14yr old girl) my first day back in port was yesterday and I ate my emotions away with cooked food just to numb all of the pain I was feeling. Normally I would have eaten fruit and gone hiking etc...LIVED LIFE. But I holed up in my hotel room and ate crap.
I want to break the cycle today but I don't know if I have the emotional strength, depression has me in its hold- I've fallen
I feel so completely alone. ugly. unworthy
Yes, depression is the abusive partner we don't want to leave. The only way I was able to claw myself out was to not think about being "happy" again. The idea of being "happy" just made things worse for me. The idea of being ok was much better. I said to myself that I would give this "happiness" or being okay a go by living a better lifestyle. And if I liked it I would stick with it. I'm not saying that people should give up if living a good lifestyle doesn't make them feel better of course. It can take time. Fortunately, living this lifestyle or a similar one very often does help greatly and quick enough. For me, staying in depression was about being kind of "happy" in it and thinking I wouldn't be myself anymore if I was happy. So I didn't want to lose myself. I thought it would a world where I was out of control of myself. But I realized that being happy was actually the opposite. It was about being in control and not driven by illogical deppression thoughts like "I don't want to be happy". Which doesn't really make sense. So one of my goals was to clear my confusion and be able to make logical decisions. We're you depressed just before you turned 811? I'm guessing yes. Remember how suprised you probably were when you started eating fruit and feeling great. And it being nothing like you expected.
Sorry to hear you had a bad Christmas. Mine was ok but nothing special at all.
Take a load of dates with you next time :) And yes you can be miserable anywhere.
Hope you feel better soon