I am a senior in college doing my last semester. I am a nutrition student who has completed the ADA (American Dietetic Association) DPD requirements (Didactic Program in Dietetics). Thus, I am eligible to apply to dietetic internships, a requirement to take the Registered Dietitian Exam. Applications for most places are due February 15th.
It is my dream to become a dietitian/ nutritionist, and I want to do it as soon as possible. Even though I want to get that credential so badly and want to in the long-run use the RD to further spread the word out about fruit, disease, and conditions like PCOS, I feel like at the moment I am doing it for the wrong reasons, and because of this, I also sense this is why I am in the "I hate the world" depressed attitude I get into every time I start school. I want to do this as fast as possible because I am afraid I won't continue higher education. I am afraid to displease my parents, or that one of them may pass away before they see me graduate with a Masters or Doctoral degree. Although my family is f**ked up, my parents have worked so hard to get me through school. They have basically sacrificed their entire lives for the well-being of my siblings and me. I am also afraid to become a depressed alcoholic failure like my brother (I have lived my entire life being his opposite), and I am afraid to let my "hood" down. I feel like everyone is looking up to me. I feel so proud that people come to me for nutrition advice, especially after they have seen my changes. I am proud that the thugs and drug dealers in my neighborhood respect me and are cheering me on. I am cheering them on too--I know they can change if they believe they can. But I digress, I am doing this because I feel pressured. I want to do this, but...
...I know I have things things that I need to work on that keep impeding my happiness. I feel hypocritical spreading the message of health if I am not happy and going up and down./ back and forth.
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON: I still have remnants of ED plaguing my memory, and sometimes--I admitting this to myself and to the world--I don't eat enough on a given day, causing me to restrict my carbs to no less than 2000, and more than 2500. It is like I am afraid to eat 3000 calories or something (funny thing is, when I do, I lose more weight and my head is super clear...). I consistently self-sabotage myself, and always make myself late to stuff that matters and on time to stuff that really doesn't. My brain rotates between being fuzzy as hell and crystal clear, as well as from mildly depressed to extremely anxious. I have a hard time focusing and memorizing things, which makes learning really difficult, although I force myself to do the most I can. This induces a cycle of frustration due to the fact I can't learn at the rates my caffeine-stimulated classmates easily memorize and regurgitate stuff (the material is difficult, but before the birth control/PCOS scenario, I enjoyed the challenge and took a little less time than I do now). I just like the slow way of learning, and take forever doing things. Many people have said or insinuated I am very slow to the point I sometimes feel that I have ADD or a slight mental retardation that has never been diagnosed. When I try to do things fast, I end up f**king up the learning process or calculations and then just cry out of frustration. Because of this, my most recent semester isn't boasting the best grades, and my GPA is not competitive. However, my teacher for one of my classes has allowed me to redo the final essay!!!! If I take some extra time, I can slowly fix my fall semester (redo that final, which is due a week before the apps are due), enjoy my senior semester, and do less crying haha :)
Basically, I just don't feel ready. I haven't been feeling ready for a while and desperately need a break. I always told myself that I would take a year off after I graduate, so that I could just work on these issues and "find myself" (more like accept myself), but now I am feeling the pressure of getting a job, possible homelessness (my parents would never allow that, but I just don't want to live home because of the craziness there no matter how convenient it is), and being broke and under-carbed and depressed, and that just scares the s#!+ out of me.
I have a plan, but because I am always late, I am just scared my plan may not work, I'll psych myself our, or my brain may become too fuzzy and impede my actions--again.
THIS IS MY PLAN: living in college housing for the summer 'til August (not that expensive, and will take out a loan to do it... or I will see if I can live there for free as a summer resident assistant--dealing with people is my specialty), going to the Woodstock Festival and meeting you fabulous people and being happier to know my fruit lovers, being a caretaker at the Universal Healing Retreat in Belize for the colder fall months and reflecting on myself and hopefully eating fruits and veggies for a highly discounted price if not free, and then maybe applying to internships that start in January.... Although not all internships accept applications during that application period, this would give me *6 months* to work on myself. If I don't do that, I would allow myself *one whole year* to work on myself and apply to internships in February 2013. I would work and find a place to live for the remainder time period (because I can't live at home if I want to keep sane and emotionally strong). If accepted, I would then start the internship of my dream in September 2013.
Doesn't this seem like a neat plan?! :D
Tags: LFRV, changes, fruit, happiness, life-change, pressure
Permalink Reply by L on Wow, such great advice. My gut is telling me to do that... to go somewhere where I can be quiet and still... I have much to release!
Permalink Reply by Sean big Sexy Rich Ⓥ on Permalink Reply by L on lol that is exactly how I feel. I just decided to get it all out there. Thank goodness for 811. That's been keeping me sane! And yeah... I need to definitely get refocused. I have been so anxious lately...!!
Permalink Reply by Lacey Rae on Coming from a background with ED and having a lot of academic and career goals myself, I feel like I've been where you are right now. It sounds to me like you have a lot of external stress, but your biggest obstacle seems to be your self image.
"Many people have said or insinuated I am very slow to the point I sometimes feel that I have ADD or a slight mental retardation that has never been diagnosed. When I try to do things fast, I end up f**king up the learning process or calculations and then just cry out of frustration."
--I highly doubt you have a learning disability or mental retardation because your writing is clear and articulate. I find more often than not, when people insinuate that you're "slow" or stupid, they're picking up on your insecurities and lack of confidence and mistaking doubt for ignorance. You're not slow, you just don't realize how smart you are and you don't have confidence in your abilities.
I think you're right to want to work on accepting yourself. For me, I was only able to do this when I was stressed with school and had a crazy family life and a ton of pressure. Does it complicate things? Yes. But if you can persevere despite these obstacles, you'll be a lot stronger for it, and that's where confidence and self-acceptance comes from.
I'm not gonna lie, I cried a lot when I was dealing with a lot of stress AND struggling with my self-esteem. It's rough, but if it really is your dream to work in this field and attain career success, don't let undeserved criticism (from you or anyone else) or external pressure slow you down. Sometimes my gut told me to take a break, but personally, nothing ever improved when I did. And results always come when you challenge yourself.
If you want specific advice, I'd say avoid everyone who makes you feel badly about yourself or contributes to a negative outlook on your life, at least as much as you possibly can. Avoid interacting with them and force yourself not to think about them. Even if that means avoiding most of the people in your life (for me it was all of them), you'll benefit in the long run and you'll make room for people who will be a positive influence on you.
Anyway, just have faith in yourself, you'll be fine. Kudos to you for all the success you've achieved so far and good luck over the next year!!
Permalink Reply by L on Hey! Thank you for such an empowering comment.
After reading it, I thought to myself "This lady is so spot on!"
I think you're right to want to work on accepting yourself. For me, I was only able to do this when I was stressed with school and had a crazy family life and a ton of pressure. Does it complicate things? Yes. But if you can persevere despite these obstacles, you'll be a lot stronger for it, and that's where confidence and self-acceptance comes from.
You said something very similar to what my partner said last year to me. I guess I needed to hear it from someone else. I felt very empowered and I needed that extra push. After reading that this morning, I did my personal statement for the dietetic applications in about 25 minutes. It was concise and to the point. I focused in class, and rushed to get a planner less complicated than the one I have now to just plan out my life. So much better.
I am also deactivating my facebook. I realize that it takes away a lot of time and makes me procrastinate.
Finally, I am going to appreciate myself and the people who love me, and if I can't deal with them, I am going to just be honest to myself and to them and not be around them as much.
I think this summer is enough "me-time" and I will be able to pick up from where I left off.
Thank you so much, Lacey Rae.
-Ly
Permalink Reply by Lacey Rae on 
Permalink Reply by Jessie James on So much on your shoulders!! Just take it one day at a time :) You have great determination and can succeed. Keep your goals in sight but don't let them weigh you down, enjoy your journey. Don't let anyone add anymore pressure.
Cheers
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