This is a story of hope not sadness or pity that I would like to share
For 37 years of my life I lived in utter darkness, I can not remember a day that my heart was not bleeding, that I did not feel sorrow or negativity with a constant feeling of wishing for my life to end. Like a specter constantly around me squeezing almost every last drop of life I had. When I looked for rest, almost every night was filled with nightmares of unimaginable images of pain, fear and horror. I lived in a perpetual sadness, I rarely cried because I did not know what it was like to be truly happy. I did have moments of fun and great experiences but everything was undermined by this never ending feeling of despair. My spirit aged extremely rapidly and I spent much of my time in deep thought alone.
Very early on I had to decide whether to end things or not and was challenged with this many times along the way but every time something deep inside me would not allow it. I also could not because of the people around me, my spirit would not allow me to cause them harm, so I decided to live though I felt almost dead on the inside. I did not pity myself because I saw so much pain greater then mine and when I could help I often bore more sadness that others could not burden since my sadness seem to have no boundaries.
Every day was like getting beat down and the next getting back up for one more round, everything was a struggle.
Though I still made a life for myself, married a wonderful woman and had two beautiful children. I had everything to be happy but could not. Though I would love, laugh and smile I was robbed of practically every moment due to this underlying feeling which tainted everything. Knowing that I could never fully appreciate my kids or wife pained me the most, like a dagger stuck permanently in my heart. I knew I would have to mask this feeling from them until my very last breath.
This was life till about 2 years ago when it all changed in just a matter of days.
My journey towards health started 5 years ago as I started to wake up and began to educate myself getting out of the cycle of being a victim. Funny enough it had nothing to do with the feeling I had that robbed me of so much, it was other health issues such as inflamed hip, SI joint and knee, insomnia, poor energy that started my quest for health. I was falling apart, for 8 years before I could not sleep on my right side and near the end I could not sit down for more then 10 minutes without pain nor could I walk only a couple of blocks without my hips being inflamed (this was going on for years).
I thought this was due lots of sports, but now know that it had to do with the poor diet (typical diet) and horrible insomnia due to the poor diet.
I was tired of going from one physio to another and started to search for solutions. I started taking out the worst culprits refined sugars, processed foods, ate less meat and ate more veggies and greens but very little progress was made. I studied and read and listen to everything I could for close to 2 years on diets, health and healing practices and incorporated various supplements and super foods again to not much success. I spent about 2-3 hours a day absorbing info I had a job that allowed me to listen to things while I worked.
Something inside me was driving me, a feeling so strong that wanted to come out, this was same feeling that kept me alive all those years, the same feeling that got me back up day in and day out. Each bit of info, each story brought me further till I finally came across Dr Grahams work. Everything was so logical I looked at so many of the diets (primal, blood type etc) before but there was always something that did not ring true to me and failed in logic.
I dove in and the results were miraculous in 3 days I went from sleeping 2-3 hours of sleep to 7-8 hours on either side, all inflammation from my body was gone, I could sit as long as I wanted or run or do anything without any feeling of pain.
but that was not the miracle.
I started to realize that the feeling that was driving me to fight tooth and nail, to do whatever it takes finally was free and the hell I was imprisoned in finally was broken. I was finally free in just several days of eating what I should have all along and it only took a banana or 2 .....okay or 30 ( ;) that was for you DR)
Now close 2 years later I have not seen the specter return only on occasion I have cheated on the diet, sometimes with beans or such. I truly feel like the man in the iron mask and that the true twin is now in control and the evil one is in the dungeon and as long as I eat this way he will remain there. I would gladly trade just one day for how I now feel for a whole life of how I was living. I feel much older then I am now as a consequence for being in such despair for so long, I could easily die now and be happy but I still have too much to live for.
Now my heart beams when my son gives me a smile or my daughter picks me a flower or I embrace my wife. Now I can cry because I can feel happiness, yes there is much to live for
It is funny to think that I know so much more now that would make me feel sad with the state of the world, the suffering of so many beings on it, and the utter devastation that is taking place and the blatant disgrace that is being caused by humans, we have truly lost our way. But I am happy, I lived my life in to much darkness not to feel blessed (though at times seeing so much madness gets me down, not for long though :), part of me wants to let things fall as they may and live as easily as possible but the other part knows of the utter importance to help others and continue to fight for only then will I truly be free.
The spirit that has seen me through will not allow me to rest and it is only by coming together and helping each other can we have true salvation
If it was not for all of you sharing what you know, I would not be here sharing my story which
I made this a discussion instead of a blog for those who wanted to ask me questions.
May you all find happiness on your journey and never give up on your true spirit. If you stumble my hand is there and when I stumble I hope yours will be there in return :).
My Brother is schizophrenic, my grandfather committed suicide, one of my best friends committed suicide due to a mental illness at 18. My mother has been bi polar all her life, My dad suffered from extreme anxiety and insomnia. I bet most family histories are quite similar with either mental or health problems, your true spirit is there trying to break free. Don't give up, if you get knocked down get back up and find your way.
The body is meant to be vibrant and happy. If you are doing the diet and still feel down look into other reasons, Not doing it right, B12 or some other deficiency possibly iodine, Vitamin D, toxin Avoidance, possibly look at fasting,
Great testimonial Mikey. Did yoy have any detox?
Thanks Mr.B :)
I had leaky nose for a month just would not stop running that was the only noticeable sign of increased detox, but did not really bother me. also had quite a bit of irregular bowels lasted 2 to 3 months since then pretty well perfect (before that definitely was constipated)
Funny enough these days I have more body odor which is unusual for most of the close to 2.5 years on the diet I have lost my body odor (as most do) due toxin reduction and no more rotting foods in the diet.
It is not strong like I use to smell before the diet but noticeable most days I must be getting toxins from the environment I am in or possibly my body has seen fit to release some deeper toxins (who knows :). Then again I was also in Hawaii with fresher air and more sun so more detox going on.
I saw how toxins in your environment can make you smell from my previous job where I would never smell and then they would turn on this 3d printer that made toxic plastics I would come home smelling only on those days. It was very frustrating because everybody was oblivious to the fact it was so toxic except for me. They were use to smelling getting headaches and feeling like crap so it was nothing new for them.
Funny though nobody would work in that room at least they had enough instinct to know that.
all the best
Hi Mike once again :)
About cooked food have you tried to see how you feel when eating rice,potatoes with no fat or salt? Does that also change your mental status like the beans?
I also have health issues and a feeling of darkness for years like you describe and damn feel also like everything is a burden+ anxiety for no reason and dizziness and no energy and digestive stress .It´s like when everybody around you are ahappy anda celebrating i feel like s*** with no mental reasons for feeling like that.
I haven´t been 100% Raw yet.
Hi Mr.B sorry for the delay.
I don't cheat that often it usually has one or 2 bad affects that are not desirable :).
So its hard for me to pin point what does it though I can tell you anything with gluten will do it. At the beginning here and there I ate meat that seem to do it as well. From what I researched there seems to be a link to indigestible proteins that affect some people minds (probably all to one degree or the other).
Salt does not and I don't think rice but it is so rare that I have eaten rice or potatoes in the last 2.5 years it is hard to say.
There also could be a connection to imbalanced gut bacteria that can affect the mind. Usually 811 reverses that with time because fruits and veggies feed the good bacteria (only raw though cooking destroys beneficial fiber).
It's amazing how *just* eating the right things changes everything. Miraculous! Good for you and your family!! :)
i can relate to alot of what you are saying. when i was a teenager i had debilitating anxiety. the littlest things would upset me and i would just completely s*** down. it was like i was catatonic. unable to move or do anything to make myself feel better, i would just sit there and stare into space. i wanted everything around me to stop so i could take a moment and collect myself but it never did. my chest would tighten, my heartrate would go through the roof, i would start burning up, and i could feel adrenaline seep into my veins at an alarming rate. everytime something stressed me out i would go into this state. i felt like i had been poisoned. it was terrible. eventually my nervous system would be so fried that i would just go to sleep. i also calmed my nevers with all the "comfort food" i could handle.
by the time i was half way through college, i was mentally and physically sick. the doctors told me i had anxiety disorder, panic disorder, ADD, and insomnia. i was taking multiple prescription drugs. i was addicted to drinking and smoking and self-mutilating.
in 2010 i made the commitment to get healthy. i didnt go comepletely vegan until 2011, and i am still transitioning to 100% raw. still, my life has pulled a total 180 in a very short time. i am off all my meds, i sleep fine, i rarely ever feel upset or anxious. i want to go back to all the psychiatrists and therapists and ask for my money back. i didnt have a single thing wrong with me. i just wasnt taking care of myself. alot of people dont realize that when your body gets healthy that includes your brain! this lifestyle also promotes an easy-going, open-minded attitude
What an amazing turn-around indeed! I liked the part where you said you want your money back ;-), that was funny, but in part so true. It is our trust in these professionals that keeps us in the dark, most of the time, with some rare exceptions.
This story hits close to home for me. It's beautiful to see you arriving at this point of recovery. :)
I experienced a choking event when I was about 20 years old while I was high on pot. I was stuffing down a Wendy's hamburger and fries (an interesting synchronicity now that I think about it) when one swallow of fries was too big for me to handle and got stuck in my throat. Fortunately, I ended up puking and it dislodged the food. But this event had a profound effect on my psyche, probably because of the pot. I always thought that there was something physical that happened to me that night and struggled to swallow for a long time. I ended up basically living off of Ensure for awhile and dropped down to 98 lbs. The doctors didn't help at all, they did all kinds of tests on me, never diagnosed me with anything and never even brought up the whole anxiety, panic issue. That is until years later after a severe panic attack. The physical effects evolved over time, from swallowing issues to stomach issues, to breathing issues. I also developed extreme social anxiety as well. Had many panic attacks to the point I thought I was dying many times. And during this time frame believed I'd never live to 40.
Now while all of this still came about from eating bad food in a way (haha), the incident wasn't directly related to nutritional issues. However even before this event I was always mildly depressed, exceptionally tired all the time and rather zoned out if you will. I think pour nutrition played a huge part in my lack of health both before and after the event. I was a cigarette smoker as well and thanks in part to the depression and anxiety developed into a heavy drinker too for years. Plus I was just eating horribly. Which all added up to a rapid decline in my health about 5 years ago. Which actually, was quite a blessing. Like they say I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
The only thing I wanted in life was to be healthy. It all started when I quit drinking in September 2008 then I quit smoking in January 2009. About 6 months after that was when I first heard about raw foods, more and more I exposed myself to the information over time. Then sometime around March last year I weaned myself off an antipsychotic prescription that I was dependent on for years. And started my raw journey in July. Mind you none of this stuff was as easy as that sounds. I tried and failed several times to make all these changes individually at other times.
I still don't quite have the vibrant health that I'm hoping to achieve but I now feel healthier than I ever have, even as a kid. And I am so grateful to everything that happened to me as it all lead me to where I am today. I know what it feels like to be physically and mentally unhealthy. I know what it's like to be addicted and dependent on chemicals. And I know I don't want that. I want health, I choose health.
Great stuff Chris all the best on your journey
Thanks Mikey, you too! Your story is extremely touching. :)
Amazing Kimberly, love to hear your story and that you have found your way
Psychiatrists try to help but how can they when they don't have a clue to the cause and usually have issues themselves. They think it is problem with the brain but it what is what we are doing to it that is the problem. No animal can be healthy of it does not eat what is designed to eat it seems so obvious but so many are oblivious to the idea.