Seasoned married folks --- looking for advice!

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Permalink Reply by Schare' Edmondson on April 30, 2012 at 3:10pm

I am on marriage #2. We have been together for 6 years now and I love him dearly. A couple of years ago, we went through something similar to what you are describing. We had a really rough year and we ended up living apart for a few months. I honestly, in the end it just took a lot of talking for us to work things out. We finally stopped snipping at each other over the things we didn't like and started talking about things we wanted. We knew we both loved each other but living with someone is not always easy. I know that we all crave our own personal quiet time and we are all allowed to have it. Perhaps, you guys can talk about having dinner as family time and giving each other a certain day of the week off. Hubby and I still trade days off with the kids. Saturday's are generally his because he plays basketball in the morning with his friends and sometimes they will go play golf or something. Then on Sunday, he will keep the kids do I can go spend some time with friends. Evenings an nights are always with each other but it's nice to just have those few hours of down time. I personally think its one of the main areas that we tend to neglect once marriage and parenthood kick in. Anyhow, I would think that this one would have more to do with a need to communicate with your hubby rather than the food you are consuming. ; )

I'm sure you guys will work through this. : )

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Permalink Reply by Lala M. Apples on April 30, 2012 at 3:34pm

Thanks Share'! That gives me hope for the future!

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Permalink Reply by Shayna on April 30, 2012 at 3:14pm

Have you talked to him about it? Sometimes people act a certain way without really thinking it through, just because that's how they saw their parents behave when they were kids. Maybe he doesn't know that you guys really need quality time with him. Maybe he doesn't understand how hard _you_ are working while he is away 'at work', and doesn't realize that when he gets home, you expect him to be a fully present and participating member of the household (I went through this with my husband, and I think it's pretty common). Maybe this isn't how he imagined marraige to be either... maybe he is behaving this way because there's something _he_ is upset about, and he is not the sort of person to come to you for a heart-to-heart discussion (also pretty common, I would wager). :)

I'm with you on the divorce thing (assuming you aren't in an abusive situation, of course)! For me, it's important to realize and re-affirm that my husband as a genuine part of my family... you don't get to choose your family, right? I try to imagine that instead of my husband, it's my mom or my sister who was behaving like a jerk, and then I realize how silly I'm being by considering breaking off a relationhip rather than working through it. Family isn't something that we should think of as being so easy to break.

It will work out!!! <3

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Permalink Reply by Lala M. Apples on April 30, 2012 at 3:33pm

Thanks fruitbasket! Yes! I think you hit it on the money.

I think we need to work on our communication. Perhaps when things calm down (we are in the middle of a huge rennovation project) I can talk to him about being more "present". I will be returning to work in July --- so maybe I can use that as a way to discuss how we will be dividing up our time in the future. I can suggest more family time.

Good advice about seeing my husband as real family.

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Permalink Reply by Shayna on April 30, 2012 at 3:46pm

Sounds like it's a stressful time in your household, and I bet you are both under pressure! I'm sure all will work out! (^_^)

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Permalink Reply by Lala M. Apples on April 30, 2012 at 3:15pm

We just have one child, he is two years old. :-D

I definitely understand why some people need to divorce, especially if they are in an unhealthy or dangerous situation physically, mentally etc. However, I guess most of my thoughts about marriage stem from my personal and spiritual views on it. Thus I don't think it should be abandoned lightly. Which is why I am feeling kind of desperate and confused. LOL.

We haven't tried therapy actually. We have talked a little bit about some of the aspects of his personality I don't jive with at the moment. He is trying to do better in some areas...I think it hurt his feelings a little though. He doesn't understand I am not trying to change him completely.

Thanks for answering Alison! I want to make sure I do what is best for our son too.

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Permalink Reply by Shayna on April 30, 2012 at 3:36pm

Check out a book called You Just Don't Understand by a linguist named Deboarah Tannen. It's about male-female communication. I found it really helpful during the first few years of marriage... it turns out we were having communications problems we didn't even know we were having!

I don't mean to be critical, and please feel free to disregard this advice if you prefer (^_^), but if it were me I would be wary of making the discussion about 'his personality', and make it about his recent behavior and the way it makes you feel, and tell him what he could easily do to make you feel better about your relationship. He can't change his personality, so criticizing it probably makes him feel hopeless. (;_;) I'd be crushed if my husband came to me for a heart-to-heart and told me the problems he saw in my personality. What would he expect me to do about it?

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Permalink Reply by Lala M. Apples on April 30, 2012 at 3:46pm

I will look for that book! Yes, I think his feeling are hurt because of this :-/

I think I meant to describe behaviors, but it came out more as personality aspects. Yikes!

I see I will have to be more cognicant of what I say! Thanks for the perspective!

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Permalink Reply by Bety K on April 30, 2012 at 3:19pm

My theory is....  

Since when you guys married and had children you were eating a SAD.  So when you switched you foods that are better for you, all the mental fog started to clear up and you see things for what you really are.  The fog has cleared and you're left with the truth like you said.

So..

Think about the future?  Talk to your husband if you're morally opposed to divorce.  Tell him how you feel.  Give him time to adjust or give change a try because if he really loves you y'all, he  will be willing to do anything.  I personally wouldn't want to raise a family with a person that prefers to be alone.  Seems to me like your kids probably don't even know him well.  Do you want that for the rest of your life?  Try to work things out.  Good luck!

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Permalink Reply by Lala M. Apples on April 30, 2012 at 3:39pm

I am just seeing myself change for the positive in so many ways. I am taking much better care of myself. I have started yoga. I feel like I am in good control of my emotions and body. I guess sometimes it is easy to sort of look down on him --- and say why aren't you here too. Maybe that's part of it!

Yes, my two year old isn't very very close to him. My husband was military when he was born. So he deployed when he was a baby. He still says hi daddy hi daddy look daddy...but he is torn to pieces when I leave the room. We have a special bond, I think he is missing out.

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Permalink Reply by Schare' Edmondson on April 30, 2012 at 10:28pm

Ah. You may have touched on something here. Sometimes, when we don't know how to fix something, we retreat. Perhaps, this could be a part of why your husband seems distant. He may just feel like an outsider. Also, you said he was deployed when your son was born and he's only 2 now? How long has your husband been home? Also, I have to ask...do you guys ever have any time for just the two of you...a date night? It sounds silly but you have to have connection time other time with each other. My kids are older now so we can go when we want now, but for quite a few years we would trade nights with a friend. One evening she would take the kids and another evening we would take hers so they could go on a "date". It keeps the expense of a babysitter down. : ) I've had a lot of friends who have been on a deployment and it's sometimes hard for them to reconnect with people when they come home. They say it seems like everyone moved on and they got left behind. (even though we know we didn't)

This may not be the issue...it just caught my attention. ; )

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Permalink Reply by Lala M. Apples on May 2, 2012 at 11:35am

My husband has been out of the marine corp for about one year.

We do make date nights, but when I think about it  --- it's not a regular plan!

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