So I became interested in 811 back in January and probably in the last two months I have started reaching my goals. The only problem is I don't eat enough calories regularly.
Anyways, since adopting this lifestyle I have started having to deal with emotions and thoughts. I feel like cooked food sort of shields us and keeps us complacent and comfortable. And when you remove them, you are left to deal with your true being. I find myself questioning my marriage.
All of a sudden it's like all my husbands imperfections are just popping up. I mean---he is pretty much the same person I married three years ago. I don't get it. I think the main issue is that he is just not very "fam oriented." At the moment I am a stay at home parent. I would expect when he gets home he would want to spend his free time with our two year old. However, he often chooses to take personal time, watching a movie, or whatever. He will even take his dinner to our bedroom. This is not what I envisioned marriage to be, I guess. He also has a tendency to be a bit harsh about things, but this is something he is supposedly working on. He is otherwise a very hardworking individual, and I know he loves us.
I am not sure what to do. Morally, I am opposed to divorce --- but sometimes I think I would rather handle stuff alone. I am curious to know what you all have done when faced with these types of issues!?? Do you think I just need to eat more carbs??? LOL. I'm so confused!
Thanks Share'! That gives me hope for the future!
Have you talked to him about it? Sometimes people act a certain way without really thinking it through, just because that's how they saw their parents behave when they were kids. Maybe he doesn't know that you guys really need quality time with him. Maybe he doesn't understand how hard _you_ are working while he is away 'at work', and doesn't realize that when he gets home, you expect him to be a fully present and participating member of the household (I went through this with my husband, and I think it's pretty common). Maybe this isn't how he imagined marraige to be either... maybe he is behaving this way because there's something _he_ is upset about, and he is not the sort of person to come to you for a heart-to-heart discussion (also pretty common, I would wager). :)
I'm with you on the divorce thing (assuming you aren't in an abusive situation, of course)! For me, it's important to realize and re-affirm that my husband as a genuine part of my family... you don't get to choose your family, right? I try to imagine that instead of my husband, it's my mom or my sister who was behaving like a jerk, and then I realize how silly I'm being by considering breaking off a relationhip rather than working through it. Family isn't something that we should think of as being so easy to break.
It will work out!!! <3
Thanks fruitbasket! Yes! I think you hit it on the money.
I think we need to work on our communication. Perhaps when things calm down (we are in the middle of a huge rennovation project) I can talk to him about being more "present". I will be returning to work in July --- so maybe I can use that as a way to discuss how we will be dividing up our time in the future. I can suggest more family time.
Good advice about seeing my husband as real family.
Sounds like it's a stressful time in your household, and I bet you are both under pressure! I'm sure all will work out! (^_^)
We just have one child, he is two years old. :-D
I definitely understand why some people need to divorce, especially if they are in an unhealthy or dangerous situation physically, mentally etc. However, I guess most of my thoughts about marriage stem from my personal and spiritual views on it. Thus I don't think it should be abandoned lightly. Which is why I am feeling kind of desperate and confused. LOL.
We haven't tried therapy actually. We have talked a little bit about some of the aspects of his personality I don't jive with at the moment. He is trying to do better in some areas...I think it hurt his feelings a little though. He doesn't understand I am not trying to change him completely.
Thanks for answering Alison! I want to make sure I do what is best for our son too.
Check out a book called You Just Don't Understand by a linguist named Deboarah Tannen. It's about male-female communication. I found it really helpful during the first few years of marriage... it turns out we were having communications problems we didn't even know we were having!
I don't mean to be critical, and please feel free to disregard this advice if you prefer (^_^), but if it were me I would be wary of making the discussion about 'his personality', and make it about his recent behavior and the way it makes you feel, and tell him what he could easily do to make you feel better about your relationship. He can't change his personality, so criticizing it probably makes him feel hopeless. (;_;) I'd be crushed if my husband came to me for a heart-to-heart and told me the problems he saw in my personality. What would he expect me to do about it?
I will look for that book! Yes, I think his feeling are hurt because of this :-/
I think I meant to describe behaviors, but it came out more as personality aspects. Yikes!
I see I will have to be more cognicant of what I say! Thanks for the perspective!
My theory is....
Since when you guys married and had children you were eating a SAD. So when you switched you foods that are better for you, all the mental fog started to clear up and you see things for what you really are. The fog has cleared and you're left with the truth like you said.
Think about the future? Talk to your husband if you're morally opposed to divorce. Tell him how you feel. Give him time to adjust or give change a try because if he really loves you y'all, he will be willing to do anything. I personally wouldn't want to raise a family with a person that prefers to be alone. Seems to me like your kids probably don't even know him well. Do you want that for the rest of your life? Try to work things out. Good luck!
I am just seeing myself change for the positive in so many ways. I am taking much better care of myself. I have started yoga. I feel like I am in good control of my emotions and body. I guess sometimes it is easy to sort of look down on him --- and say why aren't you here too. Maybe that's part of it!
Yes, my two year old isn't very very close to him. My husband was military when he was born. So he deployed when he was a baby. He still says hi daddy hi daddy look daddy...but he is torn to pieces when I leave the room. We have a special bond, I think he is missing out.
My husband has been out of the marine corp for about one year.
We do make date nights, but when I think about it --- it's not a regular plan!
Men don't have an instant bond with their children when they're born the way women often do. They need to spend time with them to develop that, and since women tend to be the ones doing most of the looking after, having father-child time is sometimes something that takes some effort. Because he's been away, I bet your husband would really benefit from some alone time with his son. He might not actually want time to himself after work once he's developed more of a relationship with him.
I didn't know that!