So I became interested in 811 back in January and probably in the last two months I have started reaching my goals. The only problem is I don't eat enough calories regularly.
Anyways, since adopting this lifestyle I have started having to deal with emotions and thoughts. I feel like cooked food sort of shields us and keeps us complacent and comfortable. And when you remove them, you are left to deal with your true being. I find myself questioning my marriage.
All of a sudden it's like all my husbands imperfections are just popping up. I mean---he is pretty much the same person I married three years ago. I don't get it. I think the main issue is that he is just not very "fam oriented." At the moment I am a stay at home parent. I would expect when he gets home he would want to spend his free time with our two year old. However, he often chooses to take personal time, watching a movie, or whatever. He will even take his dinner to our bedroom. This is not what I envisioned marriage to be, I guess. He also has a tendency to be a bit harsh about things, but this is something he is supposedly working on. He is otherwise a very hardworking individual, and I know he loves us.
I am not sure what to do. Morally, I am opposed to divorce --- but sometimes I think I would rather handle stuff alone. I am curious to know what you all have done when faced with these types of issues!?? Do you think I just need to eat more carbs??? LOL. I'm so confused!
Thanks for sharing! Happy Anniversary!
I would suggest reading a few of John Gottman's books. The one I started with and I think is one of the most important is "Seven Principles to making a marriage work". I had to read it for a second sociology class: marriage and family. Gottman has a some other great books too that help even more in marraige. I know he has a book on children and parenting as well but I have not been blessed with children yet so I have not read that one. There is also a book called "The five love languages" by Gary Chapman that you should read that will help understand what kind of love language you and your mate need. I have been married three years and he is active military... which means deployments for a year at a time... which as you can imagine is hard but man he is worth it. We have both read the books listed above and it helps A LOT.
Plus when you do a diet like this it tends to bring out emotions that have been covered and forgotten...and not the good ones lol. It is very important to remember all the best parts of you and your hubby's early years. Hang on tight to thoughs memories they are the roots to your family/love tree. If you kill them off there goes the tree man. Do not forget to communicate what you are feeling in a way that you yourself would want to hear it/not be upset by it.
Remember we are all imperfect people. We pick imperfect mates...with imperfections that we can for the most lol part put up with. Quick to forgive and a short memory of all the bad things will go a very long way.
I totally just read all the rest of the comments and saw you are military too. I do not have kids so I cannot imagine how much harder this life is for you guys?!? What branch are you? I am...well my hubby is Army infantry... but we are rethinking staying in. There is only two years left on this contract and the military can suck hard core some times... Like me being in the hospital for two months dropping 50 pounds, two surgeries and finding out I have sever Crohn's and they would not bring him home from deployment to even help me because I was not dying. Then the president went on live tv and lied to me! Saying everyone that was in Iraq would be home around Christmas. But my husband was not, he is still not home yet (he will be in the next two months yippy :) ). Thank God I found this diet it is the only thing that has been working/helping me. I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about this vegan/vegetarian way of life. My hubby says he will do the diet with me and I am really hoping he does he has enough stress without his body falling apart on him.
And I LOVE yoga!!! I told my hubby he had to try it when he got home. Its makes me feel so relaxed and my body feels great.
Thanks for the book recommendations. My husband was in the marine corp for five years, enlisted. And he has been out for a bout a year or so! He was stationed four hours away, so we are happy he is out! I am so glad your husband will be home soon! AND trying the diet! AND yoga has been a lifesaver. I wish my husband were a bit more open to trying these things --- but I am going to give it time!
It may seem old-fashioned, but try taking care of your husband (like you take care of yourself and your child). When one feels taken care of, one wants to return the feeling. So, rather than "communicating" your needs, try to address his needs. The likely result is he will reciprocate with both you and your child.
Thanks Amelia --- since I stay home I pretty much do all his cooking and laundry already. But perhaps I can pay attention and see if he has other unmet needs!
My relationship isn't longterm enough to speak from personal experience, but I've watched my parents' relationship change over the years. They've been together for over 30 years, since they were kids, and have the closest relationship I've ever seen. A few years ago, though, they went through a really rough time and actually thought they might split up. It lasted a year or so and they finally worked through it and now they're closer than ever. Having been together since they were so young (my mum was 14 or 15) they've literally grown up together and changed a lot since they met. If you really love someone, you look past much of the superficial stuff like habits. I'm not saying they're not important because they are, especially when it comes to interactions with each other and raising kids, but they are fluid. If you're committed to each other and really try to communicate, most problems can be dealt with.
Thank you Grapenut!
i share the same experience...3 years married, 1 2 year old child, and a husband that takes his dinner to the other room, watches movies all night, sleeps when i am up, is up when i am sleeping...i bothered me a lot a while ago, but i know that he loves us so i was searching for the reason why we drift away from each other. the answer is simple, we don't have the same daily activities. So our solution was starting to work on our own business, so that we have the same "job" or whatever you want to call it...we set a workoutschedule, so we work out together when our little one is sleeping...but the most important thing is really to sit down with your husband and discuss what changed from the day you got married until today. you will find a solution for this ;)
I have started to do that...well the sit and talk! Indeed things have changed from the beginning. A part of me thinks this is just how marriage is...and most people have to work through things at some point or another. We were working out together- but his schedule changed, maybe we need to make this a priority. Thanks for sharing!
Cooking and laundry are the least of his needs. Although you should be appreciated for all the hard work you do for him, know that his needs are far from anything he could do for himself. What each of you need is sometimes completely different. I would advise heading to the library and picking up a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by John Gray" In a nutshell this book explains how men and women think, how your needs can be met, and how to resolve these problems. I guarantee you that your husbad avoids you because you can't accept his imperfections. In my opinion, men are more sensitive but they don't express their emotions, they act out. Here's a list of things you both need as they come from that book. A woman's primary love needs are: Caring;Understanding;Respect;Devotion;Validation;Reassurance. A man's primary love needs are:Trust;Acceptance;Apppreciation;Admiration;Approval;Encouragement. Each of your primary needs are also the others secondary needs. Notice each of your needs are only fulfilled by the other partner. I'm sure he's quite capable of preparing his own food and doing his own laundry, but he should appreciate the fact that you do those things for him.
Good luck, and never give up!