my husband (a SAD-eater) is very depressive because i do not allow him that he give our child animal foods or sugar and i do very difficult about bread. he says i have to become more soft, i doesn't has to be so strict for her. he says if he does not give her candy she will do it later behind our back and than she will eat whole the candy shop out.
he says i do not trust him, but if he give her cookies with sugar and animal products, candy with sugar, ... how can i trust him. trust is something other according to him, it is to be good to her, it is nothing about food.
he is so depressed he cannot share his food (always animal food & high fat & salt) to the child.
but you can share so many things!
he says all living being are from the same source and do i know if a salad doesn't hurt as much as a pig? so for him eating animals is the same as eating plants, and he needs meat so why can he not give it also to its little girl because he is the father and i eat this since 50 years (old habits are hard to break). now he is always saying that i make him depressed because that our girl cannot eat the food he likes to give to her.
he gaves her so much bread and if i complain about that he says "i am a breadeater whole my life and i am not sick". gave him 80/10/10 to read. "i am pleased to read that" and he still does not read it and will not. that's ok.
my wish was to give her only raw food HCLF; for a way between animal and raw food i suggested to give her vegan food, so i will cook and i do but that's not enough. he said to 'let go of the reins', to relax and accept that she can eat what people do give her.
wherever i go i always have food with me, i polite refuse the candy and let people know if they like to give her sugar food that i prefer to give her fruit because of this and that. when we are on a visit i give the people things they can give to my girl and it is never a problem, people can be very open and understanding but my husband does not want to do like that. he says that if we go on a visit the girl has to be the chance to eat everything, because from food we cannot become sick or so now and than to eat sugar it is not bad.
it is like i am a very bad mother to refuse her all the sugar cookies etc
to talk with the families it is difficult, they don't understand. my mother in law is in the 80's and she never got sick, she said:" i have eaten whole my life animal food, sugar, bread, ..."
(i know she has had breastcancer and has been used to be constipated for a week, that she will not tell me but i know, anyway).
it is hard for the grandmother that she cannot give her homemadecookies because they are made with love (and with butter, sugar, eggs, ...) . she does not like to give her fruits because they are bad for the teeths. so every time the girl goes to the grandparents i give my child a pack a cookies (vegan, no sugar); but anyway she gives my child her homemade cookies. i have nothing to say, every time i go there we have a fight about that so i do not go anymore to that place because it is also not nice for the child and the grandmother does what she likes because it is her house and her father does not agree with me, so ...
maybe you say aah here are you again with your complaints, go away from that husband.
i am sorry for disturbing again with this issue.
if i go away my child will be 1 week with me and 1 week with him and than she get the crap whole the week and i will get a sick child.
for me my husband can eat whatever he wants, he only cannot give it to the child, is that so wrong? do i am a bitch? a superbad mother and wife?
i think nobody can help me with this. it is like trusting god everything will go well and to let go all of it, it will work out fine, ... but i can not do that.
is there a solution do you think?
thank you.
Permalink Reply by Greenmama on Removing a child from a parent that she has a bond with is child abuse.
Permalink Reply by Rawbert on The man has no respect for the mother and has no ethics.. I for one wouldn't want my child to bond with a person like that..
Leaving him at this point, imo, would create many more problems and not rectify any of the current problems. Trying to work through the problems, though much harder, may give them a chance to work through some of the problems.
Permalink Reply by Greenmama on Too late...
And also, you can't know that he has "no" ethics, just that he has not developed certain ones yet.
Yes, I agree, it would be wonderful if we had fully developed as human beings before we attracted partners and brought children into the world. But not all of us did that, so we have to work with less-than-ideal circumstances.
Permalink Reply by VibrantMH on What a tough situation! It must be very difficult to have a difference in diets in the family and especially for the Child.
I have a 811RV husband, but we still disagree about our Child's diet and needs.
What you have to do is not about who is right or who is wrong, but come to a compromise about what you both will allow as well as letting your Child choose what he/she would like to eat. I have no idea how old your Child is, but from a development perspective if older than 3 I would ask him/her to choose rather than enforcing your diet or his diet on the Child.
It's really important to come to an understanding of your limitations and your partner's when it comes to disagreements. Know that you are both on a journey of partnership and you are going to have opposing views.
And opposition is always going to come up, so you have to figure out a way to deal with them the best way between you two. Not one person is going to give you the best advice about how you will manage the oppositions. As partners in a marriage you two are on your own. However, you can get professional help to figure out a way to come to terms with differences and guide you through some techniques that may work for both of you.
It's really important for the Child to see that you both are coming to terms with your differences more than the diet itself. Children need to see that the parents can disagree but are willing to figure out their differences and create some healthy boundaries.
The most important thing is to let your Child see that you are in a loving partnership and that the Child has choices and can choose what he likes to eat rather than have Parents trying to "control" his eating or diet choices.
Maybe, you can let your Child choose first and ask your Husband to only share his food 2 meals out of the week instead of trying to maintain 100% raw. Remember that relationship with your Husband comes first because you are showing and modeling what healthy relationships looks like to your Child. So, it's really important to resolve your differences in a way that works for both of you instead trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong.
Your daughter will suffer more from her parents fighting than from what you feed her. I have three adult children who were raised vegetarian. They all eat differently, mostly including meat in their diet. You will not be able to control him, her or the world. Teach her why you think sugar, salt & fat are not healthy. Offer her healthier options, but lay off the strict control. Your husband is correct, she will binge if you try to guilt trip her into eating the way you think is right. Check out Real Love & parenting
Being happy affects your health a whole lot. You don't sound like a very happy family.
Permalink Reply by Audrey Walker on Agreed! Great advice!
Maybe you could each meet in the middle? If he agrees to not give her the worst of the processed junk foods and things that make her feel the worst (like dairy and meat for example) maybe you can agree that some healthier, whole food, vegan cooked foods wouldnt be too bad considering how strongly the rest of your family feels? You can still feed her lots of raw.
It seems better to compromise than tear up a family. I"m surprised at some of the advice you've been given here.
People need to remember that no matter how much we know and believe that this way of eating is natural to humans it does seem very extreme to most people and raw parents actually have to be careful to demonstrate to the rest of the world that they are feeding their kids adequately.
It's not fair but we will always be on the defensive on this issue, not the other way around.
Permalink Reply by luna on will check out this website. thanks.
i try to teach her why these things are not good for her body but her father is eating all these things and why would it be not healthy for her than? that's the tricky thing.
i will lay off the strict control. good to hear again. thanks.
Permalink Reply by Tinah on I like you. I think you are positive. Yes, he can share so many things with her besides the food!
Do you and your husband say, "I love you" to each other a lot? That's the most important... to each other and to your child. To me, it's clear that when I was a child and ate the bread, the meat, the fat, the salt... I had constipation and stomach pain. It's nice to see children free of that, happy, energetic, and not constipated. It sounds like your child eats a lot of fruit! :) Maybe the neighbors, the grandparents, and relatives can give your child her favorite fruits instead of those cookies, knowing they're good for her and she's growing so well. She loves fruits. A simple, "She doesn't eat cookies, she eats fruits. We don't give her cookies." Then focus on playing together, acknowledging how kind they are to her. I can understand your frustration with the situation though. If people strongly disapprove of my parenting (yelling at my mom about not giving vaccinations to my daughter, for which my mom comes and scolds me for since it gave her a bad representation), I feel much better when I leave and don't have to see them for a while. It's really a lot better to be around people who love you and trust you and respect you. ♥ I really hope you get to find and be with people who do that. I love and trust and respect you, for all that could help. You can talk with me anytime.
Permalink Reply by luna on thank you for the words. you are all right. i know it is not good that parents fight where there is a child. we try not to fight when she is around us. i already made a big compromise:i give my daughter (3,5years old) cooked vegan food so that was the way between raw and animal food but my husband want everything: meat, eggs, cheese, sugar, fish, french fries, chocolat, ... and he says "i like that you give her fruit" but i noticed even if she only eats bread she is not interested anymore in fruit.
i cannot leave and take the girl, my husband would get me for court, i do not know a lawyer who is vegan, i can check that. i think we need indeed professional help but if that person is not vegan he would not understand me at all and maybe it will have the opposite result, anyway it is worth trying it.
my husband does the best for his child, he only does not understand why animal products are horrible, he eats it his whole life and never got sick and that's why he thinks his daughter will also not get sick of eating it. for me on the other hand it is not only about healthy or not, it's about the animal rights, but as i wrote plants and animals are on the same level for him.
in this whole story i have no help or understanding from my family nor the family of my husband, they all think i am mad and crazy and insane. if i say "my daughter loves to eat fruit" than i get the reply "poor child! from me she will get something good to taste and gives her a bunch of cookies and for my husband it is all ok, this better than to refuse the homemade cookies (he has no balls to argument with his mother, i did and now i am not welcome anymore, only if i shut my mouth.
i know they all have the best intentions and don't want to hurt that child, they all think they know it because they eat since birth like this and feel good (who knows how they would feel if eating this way, they even don't like to try it) and they only think i am a young girl 'who knows it better', who is arrogant and think food is important. they are not open, why would they, they are not sick, they feel 'good'.
if i say something like "please don't give my child sugar" i got the reply "but there is also sugar in fruit,
so what 's the problem?" or "i have read in a newspaper you need salt every day" "yes al right salt from plants not table salt". but it's not worth to discuss with such people, i have read A LOT and can argument with this people but they don't like to listen, they have their own true and it will be like that.
my husband once said" please leave them, they are so old (=let they give the child all that crap) maybe tomorrow they will be dead (imagine they discover they ate the 'wrong' food their whole life and they could have lived healthier and happier, it would be a catastrophe to discover this on that age). i agree to not disturb them on a violent way but to say things on a nice way to protect my daughter, i don't think that is bad.
the only support i have is from a close 811 friend in my country (100 miles away) and this forum. i am so happy this forum exist, this is so valuable for me. thank you for all the support. i feel so blessed with you.
I've been in your situation, though now my kids are older. Some of the things I've done in the past include:
Things that didn't work:
losing my sh*t and swearing at my relatives
avoiding my relatives
letting my kids eat whatever and taking care of them when they get sick
blaming my relatives for getting my kids sick
The things that worked for me include:
TAKING CARE OF MYSELF -exercise, fruit, hydration, sleep, love, purpose
Being positive about my diet - 'it just feels so good, I want that for my kids too'.
reading my kids stuff out of 811 book or others, let them listen and determine for themselves
give my kids facts - meat based diet causes heart disease; sodium shloride is not an essential nutrient; eating fruit after a meal causes fermentation and gas; meat rots inside your body; no one can deny this stuff
Really though for me taking care of myself has worked the best in dealing with all this.
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