I'm born again, recovering from a severe eating disorder

I wanted to write a little something. 

I hope it might help someone. No weight is mentioned. Because I know that I would have been triggered by it.

I've always been a natural eater, eating what I wanted, when I wanted it, and the amount I needed. That was mainly pasta, breakfast cereals, peanut butter banana sandwiches, fruits. I never went on a diet. I was slim, really muscular, swimming a lot, doing gymnastic, riding my bike, hiking. I had chronic constipation. That ruined a big part of my childhood. I had a belly pain 24 7, I was often put on laxative. Other then that, I didn't showed any symptoms of sickness.

At 14, overnight, I was not able to eat a thing except 2 bananas a day. I was hospitalize pretty soon. I relapsed after going out of there, but shortly, I jumped back on my feet. 

I went vegetarian. I never liked meat, and it made me feel bad, but I ate some shrimps on occasion. and then I went vegan. It made more sense to me.

I began to have allergies. In my family, eczema and allergies are "normal". my brother suffered from severe eczema (from all the dairy he consumed) and my mom dramatic allergies. I took medications for it during the spring and summer.

At 18, I moved in the big city, and went to university. I didn't know what I wanted in life. I started partying and drinking a lot. I was drunk every night, and I was doing coke a couple nights a week.

From the alcohol, I gained a bit of weight, and to me, that was just not possible that I could move up a size. I was depressed. one day, I had an indigestion. I woke up feeling not well, I thought I was hungry, I ate a fruit salad, it came right back up. 

That's when I restricted again. 2 clementines a day. I ate them so slowly that they dried before I finished them.

I didn't want to go back to the hospital, so I began to eat, only cereals with soy milk, and I threw up. The idea of having something, anything, inside was unbearable. 

I discovered thelivefoodist along the way, and 811. I was so desperate to get better. 

I was trapped. When you starve yourself, you began to fear food, to think about it 99% of the day. I was weak. For many years (probably over 4) I allowed myself to eat only from 3 or 4 oclock, nothing else. and I was throwing up as much as I could. veggies, lots of water, pasta , cereals, at some points muffins, but that's it. FOR 4 YEARS. I ate the same exact thing, horrified to do something else. For the biggest part of it, I was throwing up 5 times a day. Up to 10, down to 3. I became a skeleton at one point, but I maintained a really unhealthy weight all the time.   

I came to a point when I thought that people were weird from keeping food in.  And cried when I tried to put a baby carrot in my mouth with the idea of keeping it. the thing I wanted the most  was to live. AND mangoes and tomatoes. celery. I don't know why. I would have given anything for it. But I didn't eat a mango or a tomato in years. Because I don't know... I thought that I couldn't give myself the right to eat something that good.

I was told by the mental hospital here in Montreal that I needed to be hospitalized, and that they (and I quote the psychiatrist) "don't tolerate vegetarianism" what kind of world is this ?  Most dietitian recommend that you keep meat to the bare minimum (that's another story for dairy, the dairy industry and the governments have an affair !)

I saw a nutritionist, I ate yogurt and cottage cheese, shrimp and even chicken (probably 5 times). Wow. I wanted to prove to the world that I don't want to be sick. And to them, anything other then the hamburger pizza diet is abnormal and that veganism is part of my "sickness"! I gave in for a quick time. I don't want to eat chicken. Or cows milk ! 

I listened to everything high carb related. to brainwash me, in a good way. Harley and freelee, they are my #1 reason I was able to eat again, and I was so appealed by the lifestyle. Doug Graham. I love that man. What he says makes too much sense !

I won't say I'm recovered. I'm not there yet. it's a long process. It took time from the moment when I got the information to the action.

I never thought it would be possible. Never. I'm serious. 

It's been 2 weeks now since the last time I threw up. That's a huge thing for me. I was doing it 4 nights a week on average. 

I moved with my boyfriend, started to EAT, SAVOR !

WOW !!!

When I was 14, the bananas I ate were green ! anything yellow (and even worse, ripe !!!) was disgusting to me. Now, the spottier the better !!!  

I eat a ton of celery, bananas, mangoes, berries (they're in season and grown here in Quebec !) cantaloupe, tomatoes, etc etc.

I'm not eating the recommended 2500 YET, but I'm getting there. around 1800-2000 most day. And I'm feeling I'm born. I'm starting to live.

Because trapped in my twisted, disordered mind and thoughts and fears all the time, I was not living. It was a gradual thing. I told everyone I wanted to recover on my own. 

I have a psychologist. The first thing she told me was "you're not sick". That shocked me because I thought I was an "anorexic". like it was my mission in life, my way of being.

I prefer to be a 23 years old girl who enjoy life, and who love all the things I love, and take life in the right way for me. 

I've gained some muscle. I know it's been only 2 weeks, but I'm not going back there ! Fruits are too sweet and good to eliminate them !!!! 

So that's the beginning of my road to complete freedom. FRUIT WON'T MAKE ME FAT :) It makes me happy. I'm starting to live again. That's beyond words, I can't tell you how great I feel now. I have a life ahead of me now. and a lot of fruits to eat :) 

Thanks to all of you. (and particularly to Harley, who finally convinced me !!!)

That's because of this that I'm so happy now !