I wanted to write a little something.
I hope it might help someone. No weight is mentioned. Because I know that I would have been triggered by it.
I've always been a natural eater, eating what I wanted, when I wanted it, and the amount I needed. That was mainly pasta, breakfast cereals, peanut butter banana sandwiches, fruits. I never went on a diet. I was slim, really muscular, swimming a lot, doing gymnastic, riding my bike, hiking. I had chronic constipation. That ruined a big part of my childhood. I had a belly pain 24 7, I was often put on laxative. Other then that, I didn't showed any symptoms of sickness.
At 14, overnight, I was not able to eat a thing except 2 bananas a day. I was hospitalize pretty soon. I relapsed after going out of there, but shortly, I jumped back on my feet.
I went vegetarian. I never liked meat, and it made me feel bad, but I ate some shrimps on occasion. and then I went vegan. It made more sense to me.
I began to have allergies. In my family, eczema and allergies are "normal". my brother suffered from severe eczema (from all the dairy he consumed) and my mom dramatic allergies. I took medications for it during the spring and summer.
At 18, I moved in the big city, and went to university. I didn't know what I wanted in life. I started partying and drinking a lot. I was drunk every night, and I was doing coke a couple nights a week.
From the alcohol, I gained a bit of weight, and to me, that was just not possible that I could move up a size. I was depressed. one day, I had an indigestion. I woke up feeling not well, I thought I was hungry, I ate a fruit salad, it came right back up.
That's when I restricted again. 2 clementines a day. I ate them so slowly that they dried before I finished them.
I didn't want to go back to the hospital, so I began to eat, only cereals with soy milk, and I threw up. The idea of having something, anything, inside was unbearable.
I discovered thelivefoodist along the way, and 811. I was so desperate to get better.
I was trapped. When you starve yourself, you began to fear food, to think about it 99% of the day. I was weak. For many years (probably over 4) I allowed myself to eat only from 3 or 4 oclock, nothing else. and I was throwing up as much as I could. veggies, lots of water, pasta , cereals, at some points muffins, but that's it. FOR 4 YEARS. I ate the same exact thing, horrified to do something else. For the biggest part of it, I was throwing up 5 times a day. Up to 10, down to 3. I became a skeleton at one point, but I maintained a really unhealthy weight all the time.
I came to a point when I thought that people were weird from keeping food in. And cried when I tried to put a baby carrot in my mouth with the idea of keeping it. the thing I wanted the most was to live. AND mangoes and tomatoes. celery. I don't know why. I would have given anything for it. But I didn't eat a mango or a tomato in years. Because I don't know... I thought that I couldn't give myself the right to eat something that good.
I was told by the mental hospital here in Montreal that I needed to be hospitalized, and that they (and I quote the psychiatrist) "don't tolerate vegetarianism" what kind of world is this ? Most dietitian recommend that you keep meat to the bare minimum (that's another story for dairy, the dairy industry and the governments have an affair !)
I saw a nutritionist, I ate yogurt and cottage cheese, shrimp and even chicken (probably 5 times). Wow. I wanted to prove to the world that I don't want to be sick. And to them, anything other then the hamburger pizza diet is abnormal and that veganism is part of my "sickness"! I gave in for a quick time. I don't want to eat chicken. Or cows milk !
I listened to everything high carb related. to brainwash me, in a good way. Harley and freelee, they are my #1 reason I was able to eat again, and I was so appealed by the lifestyle. Doug Graham. I love that man. What he says makes too much sense !
I won't say I'm recovered. I'm not there yet. it's a long process. It took time from the moment when I got the information to the action.
I never thought it would be possible. Never. I'm serious.
It's been 2 weeks now since the last time I threw up. That's a huge thing for me. I was doing it 4 nights a week on average.
I moved with my boyfriend, started to EAT, SAVOR !
WOW !!!
When I was 14, the bananas I ate were green ! anything yellow (and even worse, ripe !!!) was disgusting to me. Now, the spottier the better !!!
I eat a ton of celery, bananas, mangoes, berries (they're in season and grown here in Quebec !) cantaloupe, tomatoes, etc etc.
I'm not eating the recommended 2500 YET, but I'm getting there. around 1800-2000 most day. And I'm feeling I'm born. I'm starting to live.
Because trapped in my twisted, disordered mind and thoughts and fears all the time, I was not living. It was a gradual thing. I told everyone I wanted to recover on my own.
I have a psychologist. The first thing she told me was "you're not sick". That shocked me because I thought I was an "anorexic". like it was my mission in life, my way of being.
I prefer to be a 23 years old girl who enjoy life, and who love all the things I love, and take life in the right way for me.
I've gained some muscle. I know it's been only 2 weeks, but I'm not going back there ! Fruits are too sweet and good to eliminate them !!!!
So that's the beginning of my road to complete freedom. FRUIT WON'T MAKE ME FAT :) It makes me happy. I'm starting to live again. That's beyond words, I can't tell you how great I feel now. I have a life ahead of me now. and a lot of fruits to eat :)
Thanks to all of you. (and particularly to Harley, who finally convinced me !!!)
That's because of this that I'm so happy now !
Tags: anorexia, bulimia, disorder, eating, ed, joy, life, recovery
Permalink Reply by Alexandra R. on I suppose you're right. I remember when I was at my lowest weight, in 9th grade, we watched a movie H.O.P.E. called "For the Love of Nancy" that was about anorexia. The way this girl acted in the movie was extreme; she hid food under her bed, punched holes in the wall and hid the food in there, threw away food, hid it in her napkin, etc. I guess I always mentally compared myself to that after my sister hinted I looked sickly, and denied that I was anything like that, and thus "didn't have a disorder." But I guess I somewhat did, in a way.
BUT I definitely don't regard food with a restricting mentality anymore, even though I'm not entirely happy with my body quite yet, particularly my stomach area. But after such restriction, bodies supposedly store fat there to repair organs. Plus, lack of estrogen in the body supposedly causes weight gain in the stomach, too. So I'm hoping that now my body has enough estrogen, things will start evening out. :)
Oh, and I did take estrogen supplements from the gynecologist (I mention this in my letter, which I'm sending on Monday). I didn't want to, since I have trust issues with any sort of medication, but I did, anyway, because of the stomach reasons. But you may want to see a gynecologist, too, to make sure your reproductive organs are okay (they had to give me an ultrasound to check mine).
ANYWAY I CAN"T WAIT TO SEE YOU :D We're going to go to Rainbow River one day and the next dAY go iceskating! :)
I saw your profile. Are your fotos recent? I just ask that because you said you´re not happy with your body and I just want to say, you look so beautifull and fit, that you are one of my " rawspirations", and I would be more than happy if I looked like you!!!
I had myself eating desorders...Allways balancing bettween anorexie and bing-eating. Loosing 15kg, gaining them back, loosing 20 kg, ect... I´m done with it, but I remember, that even at my lowest weight, I still thought I had to loose more, and having thoughts that my thigh and my belly were too big, and they actually weren´t...So if your pictures are recent, I think you should try to accept that maybe it is your way of looking at yourself witch is the problem, and not your body.I know it is hard, but if you repeat it to yourself often enough, you´ll see your way of seeing yourself is gonna change...My mantra was: I know I see myself as fat and ugly, but it isn´t the truth it is just my imagination...And I allways tried to keep it in mind...After a while, it sarts working!
Anyway, Congrats to all of you who beat ED and I hope you´re all doing fine
Permalink Reply by Alexandra R. on Wow, thanks! Yes, my photos are very recent, they're from a trip to Italy and Greece this past June.
Really, thanks so much for this comment, it makes me feel so much better. :)
Permalink Reply by Emmie on HI ! You look gorgeous on the pictures you posted !!!
I took some estrogen too earlier this year because of my non-stop bleeding. It did stopped fortunately. I always hate to take medications, but I was bleeding so much that it made me feel weak (well... part of the reason I was week, restriction and purging sure didn't help at all)
I seem to be more balanced now...
Are your periods regular !? Mine are short and I don't bleed much, and I'm not in pain ! That's great !
Those movies... I watched "the perfect body" when I was pretty young, it was on television, the french version... I was a gymnast so I was interrested when the movie started. I didn't know anything about eating disorders at the time. It probably built the idea I unconsciously carried in my mind afterwards.
I found any ED really triggering. and it was always a challenge for me to say that I was "worst then that girl", and felt a really sick and twisted pride about it. Like it was the challenge of "who's the "best" anorexic". I thought like this for a long time.
I'm really happy that we all found this lifestyle !!!
Permalink Reply by Alexandra R. on I can't really determine if my periods are regular yet, since this is the first one in two years. I have a hunch that they won't be, though; at least not yet. I feel like I'm 12 all over again, as if this is the first time I've ever had one. And they weren't regular when I initially started back then, and slowly got regular over time. So maybe that will happen again?
And I'm not sure if my body is producing enough estrogen on its own yet, because my period only came with an estrogen supplement. I'm never taking the supplement again, and I'll just wait until my body is 100% ready I guess.
But ANYWAY, I totally know what you mean by the challenge to be the best anorexic. I remember watching another video in my health class called "super-size vs super-skinny" where one obese person compare diets to an underweight person. The underweight person ate a diet of around 300 calories UNintentionally, but this made me made that they were eating less than me...? Oh, what a twisted mind...
I'm VERY glad we all found this lifestyle, too. :D
Permalink Reply by Emmie on Getting my period was a very mental thing too...
I got to the minimal fat percentage and I started to feel good about the fact that I'm a woman, to be comfortable with my sexuality more.
I slept with the first guy I've been with (we've meet after years of not seeing each other !) and two days later, my period was back. I think it made me feel that ok, there's tenderness, I can have pleasure, etc.
The mind plays a big role in that I think.
Permalink Reply by Amber Michelle on That's great to hear that this lifestyle is helping you. I can relate, as I battled an eating disorder for at least 16 yrs. of my life and truly never thought I'd be free from it. They say it can take 5-7 yrs. to recover from an ED so I'm perhaps not quite all the way there yet but I've made a lot of progress and now have real hope of being fully (or at least almost fully-the thoughts may still come from time to time) recovered someday. Unfortunately, most of mainstream society does not really understand eating disorders or nutrition. That really irks me that the hospital actually told you they "don't tolerate vegetarianism." For me, going vegan and then raw vegan has been the best thing I've done for getting better. When you're actually putting the right foods into your body, you don't have all the negative effects you get from junk food that makes some people not want to eat it and develop issues w/ food in general. I, too, am not yet up to 2500 cal/day but am typically around 1700 or so, which is good considering at one time I only had 500 cal/day and fasted for 27 days straight (no solids) along with routine fasts of 7-14 days often. I'm eating everyday and loving my food, and not feeling guilty about it (most of the time). It's all a process but you're on the right track!
Permalink Reply by Emmie on Wow that's really great !!!
It's frustrating that a lot of people sees it as and extension of the eating disorder...
My psychologist said to me that there's no need for me to do what most people do about food. And it helps me feel less guilty. Because I often thought that I needed to eat poultry and dairy and all that do be 'cured' or free from my eating disorder, or to please people around me.
My aunt told me, one of the times I ate shrimps "I'm so happy to see you eat that".
Truth is, I think recovering means that you connect with yourself, that you express yourself, your actions reflexes your values. And that's not what I was doing.
It's crazy when I look back and see all the evil things I put my body through, and I'm confident that I will recover physically really well...
To see that we've gone that far... For what !? For me I think it was to express, to literally show to the world, that there was something really really wrong.
I looked like a child with the bone structure and the breasts of an adult.
If you can get more fuel in your body, try it !!! you will have more energy ! Like Harley says "eat more to live more!" that's true !!!!
I feel really really good !!!!! I never thought I could eat as much and feel as good !!!! and I really enjoy it !!!
Permalink Reply by Emmie on Hi !!!!
I used lansoyl as a child (prescribed by my pediatrician), the mineral oil gel that tastes like fake raspberries. It was just for a short period of time when I didn't go to the bathroom for days.
I always ate TONS of all bran and muesli and that kind of cereals. Oatmeal. I never ate something that had not a lot of fiber. The thing is... to make it move, you need to take A LOT of water. Otherwise, it makes you constipated. So I ate all bran, and I wondered why I was constipated. I was chronically dehydrated.
My doctor recommended me metamucil. Great idea doctor !!! More hard to digest fiber !!! I took a glass of it a day for a really long time.
And then later it was just after I got out of the hospital at 14, my digestion was bad, and I felt it was too much food, so I took laxative to help it go out of my system as soon as it was possible. I took the Carter's little pills. Large amount of them. Probably 6-7 at the time. sometimes more. It made me feel so bad. But to me, it was better then being constipated. I was afraid of not taking enough so I took more and ended up not sleeping well some night. I stopped after a couple months.
At 18, I started restricting, and then purging, but I knew what laxatives did so I avoided them, didn't even look at them so I was not tempted.
probably two years later, I wanted to get rid of every single bit of food that I didn't purge so I took laxative. the same Carter's pills. 2 normally a day, after my last purge of the day. And I was so thirsty. That made me feel really anxious. But it didn't make me stop. I was not drinking a drop of water a day, but when I was eating to make me purge, I was drinking liters, and then afterwards, probably 2 liters in a minute. I was feeling like I could endlessly drink. Everything was probably REALLY out of balance. I really did fear a cardiac arrest.
But I can see that it was really really strong. I was not ready to stop my behaviors.
I made a rotation, taking more or less. 3-4-5-6-7 and then 6-5-4-3, back to 7. And it seemed as an uncontrollable behavior. If I decided that it was 6 that I was taking that day, I couldn't possibly take "only" 5 or 7.
For the last year or so it was about 5 or 6 a day. everyday. I stopped on june 27th, and never took another one since then. And it took every little time (3 days of eating) to make my digestion better. Because it was a major concern. "my body isn't capable of digesting anything" blah blah blah !
I need to watch myself to drink enough. I always make sure there's no unripe fruits that will touch my mouth (some breakfast restaurants are good at that !!!)
I drink a lot of bananas smoothies. The riper the better and the sweeter !!!
Water is the key I think. And no hard to digest food, just ripe fruits and celery and some lettuce (but I crave more celery then lettuce !)
I start the day with a lot of water (probably close to a liter, I should get a liter, especially in the hot summer we have here right now !I often eat cantaloupe too for breakfast.
I often eat a meal of a couple ingredients (about 3), like banana smoothie with blueberries and raspberries in it , and some celery... I often have a meal of champagne mangoes. Doing mono meals probably helps... but I don't see really negative effects for my banana berries celery meals...
Don't worry about constipation. No joke ! It's the best food you can it to let your body heal itself !!!! If you provide it enough volume and calories and water... no worries ! And I quit bang ! one shot ! I thought it needed to be gradual, but I think with addictions, it has to be this way...
Just eat a lot, drink water, move like you feel, you'll see all the benefits !
:)
Permalink Reply by Morgan on Just to let you know my story w/ 'lax' supps..
I used to take probiotics, then gluten-free probiotics, then candida clear, caprylic acid (which is constipating btw), aloe vera, vit. C.. I was thee most constipated person around. (Yes, I know, very elegant...)
And I got off supps based on the info. on this site. I am much much better. I do not know why. Well, yes, the fruit..
But even when I've fallen off (and suffered INcredibly for it - I get chest pains and all sorts of problems), I'm better off gut-wise, not using laxatives or probiotics or anything. I never thought I would see the day.
Oh - and I have much more control over 'going'.. now, before when I was on supps, I can't believe I'm saying this but .. when I had to go, I haad to go. That stuff leads to a.. ahem.. 'flaccid colon.' yep..
HTH
Permalink Reply by Emmie on All those supplements... That's just a way to make money ! Or it can do something, but it doesn't fix the real issues... if we're constipated, it is for something... lack of water, lack of exercise, stress, etc etc, and we all try to stop those symptoms...
Well... just like any eating disorder... it's a symptom that shows that something wrong is going on, that something needs to be done....
I'm taking sub lingual B12, because the last time I was tested, my level was too low. I should check, maybe it was just caused by my behaviors, and that it is now ok...
Do you take b12 ?? I'm planning on taking vitamin D in the winter, like I do each year, because I live in Quebec, Canada, it is not really sunny and it can get pretty cold...
Permalink Reply by Alexandra R. on Lol, we don't need eggs for Vitamin D... I read somewhere that 20 minutes of sun exposure without sunscreen and in shorts & a tank top is adequate. 20 minutes! I don't know how much you're outside, but I easily get six times that, probably more.
But I also live in Florida; if you live up north, the supplements are probably a decent idea.
dandelion replied to organic for life 26's discussion What to do when eating out or social??? in the group Beginners in a fruitarian/raw vegan lifestyle
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