I am not the problem: Realizing my **self-worth** and what I *deserve*

I have been practically all raw as of the end of May. I have done raw before, but not to its entirety. I added salt to my food, had condiments, took microscopic bites of food, etc.

Recently, I embarked on a 30-day challenge with Freelee/ TheBananaGirl, meaning no salt--one of my biggest addictions. Just as recently, I have been navigating the web, reading accounts of people not thriving on 30BaD, which got me scared to the bone, only to realize, that many of these people did not follow the diet correctly and are blaming external circumstances for their own mishaps. Scared as I was, I decided to continue on with this anyway (now including TONS of greens)! ;) One of the last factors I need to deal with is my sleeping time, but I digress... That's for another discussion!

Today this afternoon I woke up. American Independence day sun shone on my face, and I realized for once how happy I am. I am so happy on this lifestyle, with the addition of my two supplements. I just as equally came to terms once more that I am *NOT* the problem. I have been hating myself so long for who I am and how I act: I am an ultra-sexual spiritual intelligent American-Caribbean Latina, who follows a mostly fruitarian low-fat raw vegan lifestyle and loves women. And F**K IT. I am PROUD, DAMMIT (please, don't edit this).

What made me come to this realization? I feel guilty all the damn time. Which made me wonder why: 'L, why the heck do you feel so darn guilty all the time? You are always apologizing. Always thinking you are doing wrong. Always trying not to offend people. What the heck, L?! Be yourself, gosh darn it.'

'Be myself?' I thought to myself in reply. What does it mean to be myself? It means to let go of it ALL. Everything who I thought I would be. Everything from my childhood... including my Roman Catholic dreams of marrying a man in God's Church, whoever God is (I no longer define myself as 100% Roman Catholic, although I do still make the sign of the cross and believe in a God). It means letting go of that meat lasagna my mom used to make so well, including Christmas traditions that were based on eating roast pork and/or turkey to numbness. It means letting go of every bad experience I have with women, so that I can finally attract the woman of my dreams. It means setting higher standards for myself, because I set them for other people, and if I love myself the most, that means setting even higher standards for myself.

Most importantly, it means realizing that I am not in fact depressed. To state it simply, the reason I feel "depressed" is because I am not letting myself BE *MYSELF*. By following this lifestyle, I have let go of my strongest addiction--food. This very food--microwaveable  pepperoni pizzas that remind me of my Nickelodeon Blue's Clue's days, my mom's rice and beans that helped me study for my honors chemistry tests,  and food from my Caribbean culture--that has helped me survive years of abuse, torment, and hiding. I no longer need it. I am stronger now. It used to be my crutch... not anymore.

I refuse to associate with toxic people anymore. I deactivated my facebook again because I am friends with too many people that I no longer want to be associated with. I refuse to let my family manipulate me into doing what they want, not what I want. I refuse to let my mom make me feel bad for not behaving the way she expects me to. I refuse to let my alcoholic brother be rude to me just because he "is" an alcoholic.

You see, even writing this, I feel somewhat guilty. As if it is bad to realize one's importance, one's self-worth. As if it is bad to put one's foot down and say "no!" It is going to take a bit of time to recondition myself into the mindset that I deserve, but I refuse to see my life through blurry lenses. As Jack, a former 30BaD member once said in a discussion he posted, once you shed skins, it is hard to go back and put the skins back on. There's nothing to numb out; not anymore...