"HCRV!! First day! Been a lazy nasty eating bum! I am tired of being overweight and a hypocrite!"
I received the NVC book a few weeks ago and have been trying to wrap my head around it so I can start communicating more effectively while showing more compassion. Here's a situation for which I would like to practice NVC towards resolution:
I'm an assistant coach for my kids' little league team. Another asst coach and I were standing near each other during our first game 2 nights ago. Her twin 5 year old daughters were around us too eating their to-go dinner, leaving all of their trash on the ground, right near us, blowing around our feet etc. I felt anger welling up in me as this went on, as they kept snacking throughout the game and leaving everything on the ground. But I convinced myself that because their Mom was busy keeping the scorecard she would make sure it got cleaned up when the game was over. So at the end of the game she was getting ready to go with no apparent intention of taking care of this. I asked another coach for a trashbag, thinking the person would suddenly realize the need to pick it up. There was a trash barrell not too far away. But no. So as they were leaving I picked it all up, by this time it had blown all over the place, I know they saw me doing this.
I'm disappointed that this conflict went unresolved. I'm optimistic and want to try again and be prepared for next game, tomorrow. I thought long and hard before coming up with the actual feelings I had about the trash. It makes me sad to see trash on the ground. And I'm afraid that the mess on the ground reflects badly on our team. I tried to think about being compassionate about the other coach. I thought, well she has one kid who is on 2 different teams, and twins, plus she runs the farm league. She is probably feeling really overwhelmed.
So if this situation arises tomorrow, I will try this, It must be overwhelming to keep the schedule you have while raising 3 kids." But I'm afraid the trash on the ground will reflect badly on our team. Would you be willing to ask your kids to put their trash away if I made sure a trash bag was available?"
By the way this person has had numerous conflicts with other coaches in the past so I expect there will be additional issues as the season goes on. So I would like to get a good start in communicating with her, to a positive effect.
What do you think? I'm completely new at this and would love to hear any experiences you may have had using nvc or any comments.
thanks, Mary
Permalink Reply by Sunshine on 
keeping these handy is helpful when Faux Feelings Evaluations Judgements creep up to translate them and empathize .
yea i hear you about the amygdala hijacks and practicing with the pre frontal cortex to protect this 'emoness' and over stimulation / enlargement 
Permalink Reply by Sunshine on often we drug ourselves with laughter to elevate uncomfortable feelings of lacked understanding. Could you think of a way to put this into a connecting request?
"Unconditional acceptance!"
Permalink Reply by Greenmama on Hey Sunshine, I feel a bit uncomfortable when I read the words, "often we drug ourselves with laughter." I'm so longing for all people to be welcomed to the conversation. I'm also wondering if you felt uncomfortable reading KGG's words, or something else? The internet is sometimes difficult without body language, tone of voice, etc. So I'm feeling confused and longing for clarity. I'm wondering if you would be willing to share your own feelings and needs before you make your request? I guess I'm just longing for connection and learning and inclusiveness?
Permalink Reply by KKG on Haha, I didn't mean anything bad by it. For me, his response was like reading a phsyics textbook. I thought, "wow, I know there is a lot of meaning in what this guy is saying but it's so over my head." It is really a compliment. I wasn't trying ot make anyone uncomfortable!
Permalink Reply by Sunshine on hmm we don't see things in terms of bad when we hold nvc contentiousness (more like negative dissatisfaction) and have the tools to alleviate it (OFNR). If it feels overwhelming i would suggest try to read some of those links i put ? Also have dictionary in hand. In Montessori i was instructed to never skip a word i did not understand, that is helpful.
Warmly, Sunshine
and always feel free to ask questions :-D
Permalink Reply by Sunshine on i am concerned when you assume she might take it negative and think we waiting for her to say what her intentions were and how she feels rather than making that up would seem most helpful .
I merely state an observation that is often seen as a strategy or tactic to alleviate and am grateful that a first emotional step has been taken and suggest deeper inner reflection.
needs clarity feelings content , eager for feedback from poster for more reciprocity and understanding (aka connecting request or empathy)
Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.
—Arthur Schopenhauer
ever feel certain other people see the way you do, to find otherwise? ever sit feeling bored, convinced others also, to find out when mentioning such that they were engaged? People make assumptions based on their own experience and view of the world.
next time someone does or says something that you don’t like, try asking for clarity before assuming your reality is theirs.
Clarify your assumptions with at least two people
does that meat your needs for clarity ?
Permalink Reply by Greenmama on I am feeling dismayed. I definitely took responsibility for my feelings and described my reaction honestly. I did not assume that KGG would react the way that I did. I simply communicated how I was feeling--uncomfortable--and the story I had to go with that--my worry of how she would react, based on how I would have felt if I was her.
I guess I feel disappointed and am really longing for acceptance and connection. I'm wondering if you would share your own feelings and needs when responding, rather than simply classifying my behavior?
Permalink Reply by Greenmama on Hey Sunshine, I feel a bit uncomfortable when I read the words, "often we drug ourselves with laughter." I'm so longing for all people to be welcomed to the conversation. I'm also wondering if you felt uncomfortable reading KGG's words, or something else? The internet is sometimes difficult without body language, tone of voice, etc. So I'm feeling confused and longing for clarity. I'm wondering if you would be willing to share your own feelings and needs before you make your request? I guess I'm just longing for connection and learning and inclusiveness?
Permalink Reply by Peter Csere on What NVC book is generally recommended 'round these parts? I have recently become very interested in the subject.
Permalink Reply by Greenmama on The original NVC text is Non-violent Communication: A Language of Compassion by Marshall Rosenberg. However, I also really enjoy Don't Be Nice, Be Real, by Kelly Bryson and think it is very beginner-friendly and fun to read compared with the NVC book, which is a bit more like a text book. And there is a CD by Susan Skye called The Living Energy of Needs, which is also fantastic.
Really, reading only takes you so far in my experience, and group practice is invaluable. You can find a group or a teleclass to join at cnvc.org.
Yeah, some practical experience would be invaluable. Thanks for the website, a teleclass might be the thing. I need help in making this work in my life.
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