Addiction, Weight Gain & depression

Or, in short, what I perceive my life to be dominated by at this moment. I'm trying again at lfrv and seeing differently, dropping into my emotional body, loving, just even loving. Its been challenging because I have been eating wheat products cooking and baking constantly to keep all systems busy and overloaded. So, that's been my way of getting through these days. It's not a weight problem I'm having, I realize, it's a spiritual problem.

When I was pregnant, just last week, I was able to be kinder to myself despite my eating cooked foods at night, or the occasional whole avocado. But, since I miscarried, it's been a full on attack on my body. Some call it emotional eating, but for me its just been war. I've been waging war on my body and heart in an attempt to blow it up. Instead I'm just bloated. After I lost the placenta, showed it to the kids and said goodbye, buried it next to our dog, all I wanted was a cup of coffee. I hadn't had caffeine for months.

Even in preparation for the pregnancy, I took care of my body. It's as if I can love it when I think of it as being in service of another. But when its just me and my body, things don't go so well. 

So after being here, on 30 BAD, I feel like I get it. Eat enough fruity calories, get rest and exercise and you should be all good. I think it's true. I mean, it's all true-that we eat from an emotional place, that we fall into bad habits, that if we just get enough calories we'll be okay. It's a choice sometimes of what we want. And that's what I am having a hard time doing. I can't make the choice to improve my life. But maybe I don't even need conviction, I just need to do the right thing. Like putting one foot in front of the other, you don't have to decide which direction, maybe just which foot. If anything it just takes discipline or restraint or something.

My husband says that freedom is the ability to respond to any given situation appropriately. Its not freedom from responsibilities or even freedom from cravings, b/c cravings for whatever will often come up, it's just the ability to respond to them appropriately.As in, taking a craving as symbolic of something else, ie. the need for more calories, rest, love, connection, or a good scream. Not changing the external but rather the internal so that it's independent of the situation. That no matter what we are free to continue loving.

I guess that's where I'm at, I just need to do some screaming, some crying, and then some eating of good ripe nanas and loving the life that I have, the people that are here for me, my kids. Anyways, just needed to ramble and re-announce my commitment to lfrv publicly. Also, I could use some support, or tips, and sheesh, I just don't want to gain anymore weight, but whatever. Its my spirit that needs lightening the most, not just my hips.

I just want to say too, that I'm feeling immensely grateful for 30 BAD and everyone on this forum. You really make a difference. We are not alone.

peace,

sasha