Or, in short, what I perceive my life to be dominated by at this moment. I'm trying again at lfrv and seeing differently, dropping into my emotional body, loving, just even loving. Its been challenging because I have been eating wheat products cooking and baking constantly to keep all systems busy and overloaded. So, that's been my way of getting through these days. It's not a weight problem I'm having, I realize, it's a spiritual problem.
When I was pregnant, just last week, I was able to be kinder to myself despite my eating cooked foods at night, or the occasional whole avocado. But, since I miscarried, it's been a full on attack on my body. Some call it emotional eating, but for me its just been war. I've been waging war on my body and heart in an attempt to blow it up. Instead I'm just bloated. After I lost the placenta, showed it to the kids and said goodbye, buried it next to our dog, all I wanted was a cup of coffee. I hadn't had caffeine for months.
Even in preparation for the pregnancy, I took care of my body. It's as if I can love it when I think of it as being in service of another. But when its just me and my body, things don't go so well.
So after being here, on 30 BAD, I feel like I get it. Eat enough fruity calories, get rest and exercise and you should be all good. I think it's true. I mean, it's all true-that we eat from an emotional place, that we fall into bad habits, that if we just get enough calories we'll be okay. It's a choice sometimes of what we want. And that's what I am having a hard time doing. I can't make the choice to improve my life. But maybe I don't even need conviction, I just need to do the right thing. Like putting one foot in front of the other, you don't have to decide which direction, maybe just which foot. If anything it just takes discipline or restraint or something.
My husband says that freedom is the ability to respond to any given situation appropriately. Its not freedom from responsibilities or even freedom from cravings, b/c cravings for whatever will often come up, it's just the ability to respond to them appropriately.As in, taking a craving as symbolic of something else, ie. the need for more calories, rest, love, connection, or a good scream. Not changing the external but rather the internal so that it's independent of the situation. That no matter what we are free to continue loving.
I guess that's where I'm at, I just need to do some screaming, some crying, and then some eating of good ripe nanas and loving the life that I have, the people that are here for me, my kids. Anyways, just needed to ramble and re-announce my commitment to lfrv publicly. Also, I could use some support, or tips, and sheesh, I just don't want to gain anymore weight, but whatever. Its my spirit that needs lightening the most, not just my hips.
I just want to say too, that I'm feeling immensely grateful for 30 BAD and everyone on this forum. You really make a difference. We are not alone.
You are not alone. If I could give you a hug, I would:) I'd also ram some bananas down your throat too.
Fruit at this point will not solve nor make your problems any less heartbreaking and emotionally easier to deal with on a spiritual level.
It will however provide you with a much more clear headed mind and the ability to choose how you're going to react and deal with your current situation.
You're a mother, you're amazing<3
Thank you for your kind words. I don't know what "enough" support is at this moment. At first it was just getting through the days. But now I'm just mildly depressed. My children are freaking out over other things at this moment, and my husband is supportive but its hard to let him in. Its true that writing is much easier for me to express myself than talking to ones that are close to me.
Sasha, I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a pregnancy is a huge...only women who have had the experience can understand. Please remember, not only are you grieving for your loss, but you're also experiencing HUGE hormonal shifts...It is probable even eating enough calories will not "stabilize" you during these shifts, and that's fine! Do you feel you're getting enough support from your partner and family?
It's true, we use food to achieve a state of emotional numbness and quiet. Eating enough can help put us on "level ground" so to speak, which will put us in a more stable place for processing emotions. I imagine you're feeling more than you "can" right now, which is normal and understandable...
Try to show as much love to yourself as you would to anyone else in your position. Find a "safe" space, where you know you can either be alone or with a 100% supportive person, and allow your feelings to express themselves and be witnessed (the grief, sadness, disappointment, guilt, anger, hopelessness, etc...whatever comes up). It's all valid, but will also pass. Remember to keep breathing
Sending you as much love and as many "hugs" as I can!